Monday, January 22, 2007

This is me practicing my new favorite past time- slingshot. Please try to ignore the double chin that apparently I have...
Thanks for the photo, MH.
I am hoping over time to get good enough with the slingshot to be able to shoot small game, such as squirrel, rabbit, and feral Hot Springs chickens. For the meantime, inanimate targets such as trash cans, stuffed raccoons, and glass bottles are sufficing just fine.

Wednesday, January 17, 2007

Lesbians, Plott Hounds* and Unicorn Pops...

Having a break from work creates space for unexpected events of a slightly weird nature. Yesterday all that was on the agenda was a work meeting in the morning and a social meeting at lunch. After that the sky was the limit... Post scheduled meetings I met up with SR in Asheville in the mid afternoon. The weather was nastee- cold, windy and starting to snow. After I watched her eat some pizza at Marco's, we decided to go next door to the Fresh Market to buy some fancy-pants candy. I selected a unicorn pop, in honor of childhood treats at the beach, and a bag of amaretto cordials. SR bought a cherry pie. We sat down in some complimentary seats near the cash register to avoid going back out in the weather for a few more minutes. SR had to get going pretty soon to go give someone acupuncture, and I started teasing her by doing an acupuncture pantomime. (It was a rather good acupuncture pantomime, if I do say so myself, and the more she laughed the more elaborate my miming got.) We were laughing and carrying on, until a butchy looking lady in the 50-60 age range appeared out of nowhere and said to SR: "Where'd you get yourself such an entertaining lady?" SR was like "huh?", and the lady repeated, "Where'd you get yourself such an entertaining lady?" I saw that the cat had SR's tongue so I answered "She found me at the dump," to which the butchy lady responded, "Well! That's something I've never thought of!" We all just remained in silence for a strange moment, and then the butchy lady walked out. SR and I cracked up hard. After we were done cracking up hard, we walked out into the cold to our cars to leave. Just as I was getting into my truck, the butchy lady appeared again out of nowhere in an SUV, rolled down the window and hollered out, " What I meant to say in there was: I've picked up a lot of women in my life, but I've never picked one up at the dump!" Then she waited for me to respond. I was ready to get out of there because I realized I was being hit on in a really weird fashion, so I hollered, " Well, maybe you should drive down there and try it out sometime!" I got in my truck and drove off.

I started driving home to Marshall, and I decided to stop at the Flick Video and pick up some evening entertainment. I pulled into the parking lot behind a big black Toyota Tundra (or something of the likes of that) that was smothered in Plott Hound* bumper stickers. Well, that got me all fired up because I love plott hounds and plott hound paraphanalia, so I decided to follow the driver into the Family Dollar and ask him where he got all those pretty stickers. I quickly took off my fake (God forgive me Daniel Boone) coonskin hat and replaced it with my pink "Got Plott?" baseball cap. I followed the feller in, but when I saw him close up I decided to bag the whole idea. He looked like a character from Deliverance- camo threads, intense red face, beady eyes, and a mouth spilling over with baccer. I high-tailed it past him to the cosmestics isle, grabbed some cotton face pads, and went to pay. Well guess what... That feller was blocking the way to the cashier and burning a hole in my Got Plott cap with his stare. The conversation went as follows:
Me: Are you in line?
Feller: Nope. Are you?
Me: I'm fixin to get in line. Excuse me.
Feller: (Doesn't move) What's that say on yer cap?
Me: (Bending head down to show) Got plott?
Feller: You like plotts?
Me: Yeah, do you?
Feller: (Staring hard) Yeah.
Me: I got one.
Feller: I got six.
Me: Do you hunt?
Feller: Yeah.
Me: What?
Feller: (Staring hard.) Bear.
Me: Did you get any?
Feller: (Holding stare.) Lots.
Me: Did they ever kill your plotts?
Feller: Sometimes. (Long pause) Do you hunt?
Me: No.
Feller: Why not?
Me: (Beginning to feel warm and a bit claustrophobic) I don't know. I guess it's just one of those
things I never learned.
Feller: (Intensifiying stare by double) You wanna learn?
Me: inaudible mumble
Feller: Where do you live?
Me: (lying) On Walnut.
Feller: I live on Shelton Laurel. (Pulling wallet from back pocket, but holding glare) Here's my
card. Call me on my cell phone.
Me: (Looking for a way out) Do you breed plotts too?
Feller: Yeah. (Family Dollar "sales rep" reappears to help Feller select an appropriate Family
Dollar cell phone plane.) Stick around a minute so I can talk to you.
Me: (Seeing an out I purchase the cotton pads as quickly as possible and holler) Thanks for the
card- I'll give you a call if I need a new plott!

Proceeding this weird and uncomfortable conversation, I walked quickly next door to the safety of the bright florescent lights of the Flick Video. I selected 2 movies (Taladega Nights and Coal Miner's Daughter, the Story of Loretta Lynn), and went to pay. While paying, I noticed a rack of Unicorn Pops in the candy section with a sign that read: All Pops Half Off. I thought 'Damn. I just bought a Unicorn Pop for full price at the damn Fresh Market. Oh well.' I left and drove home.

Shortly after I arrived home and the garage apartment heated up a little, I got to thinking about those half off Unicorn Pops and getting really excited, and I decided that I wanted to go back and buy them all. After all, when are Unicorn Pops half off? I seriously contemplated going back out in the snow because I got nervous that someone would beat me to it before the next morning. Luckily, I checked myself and was able to convince myself that no one would probably think to buy a whole rack of Unicorn Pops on the same night as I did.

This morning I ate breakfast with MMC5th at The Cafe on 213, and I made it over to Flick Video at 10:05. They open at 10:00. I walked in and said, " I would like to buy all of your Unicorn Pops, please." I counted them out, and after a brief conversation with the seemingly very disturbed store clerk, I happily purchased 49 Unicorn Pops. I told the clerk a little white lie, which was that I was going to use them as prizes in my classroom. That seemed to ease her mind a little, and later MMC5th told me that was a very compassionate white lie to tell...
I promptly returned to the garage apartment, the proud owner of 50 Unicorn Pops, and commenced with the READ intended use of the candy...

Curtains! I strung up all 50 of the Unicorn Pops and hung them (25 on each) on the curtain rods of 2 of my windows, creating a top ruffle curtain effect. The Pops are staggered in hanging length, and the result is absolutely beautiful! Two rainbow colored Unicorn Pop vanity curtains! It looks like a regular funhouse in here! Local readers: please stop by to see.

* Writers note: For those readers who do not live in Western NC, a plott hound is a regional dog breed, selected for hundreds of years to be fast and fearless large game hunters (bear, wild boar and cougar). Naively, I acquired one as a pet 5 years ago. They are also the NC state dog.